What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
