But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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