I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
