barbara walters just said penis...
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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