Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
