Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
