I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
