Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
