I just threw up on my dentist
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
