it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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