I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
The struggles of a small town man whore
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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