Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
