Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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