I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
