So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
