I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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