If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He kissed a someone with a penis
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
