Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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