Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
