i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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