you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
