I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
