This girl is more easily done than said...
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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