That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
