i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
