Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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