how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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