one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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