I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
