Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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