If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
