My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
