Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
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