I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
