can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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