you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
