I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
he's gonorrhea incarnate
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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