She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
