Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
