I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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