i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
