Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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