Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
barbara walters just said penis...
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
