Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
FUCK WHALES
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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