It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
