I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
