Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
