Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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