I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Randomize
