Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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